One black shoe, one brown shoe

A couple days ago we were in a hurry to get out the door (no surprise there), and to help me, Dougie got me my shoes. I slipped them on without thinking and off we went.

Now to show you exactly how much I pay attention to fashion and how little I get out of my office at work, consider the following:

When I got home, I took my shoes off and went to put them away, but I noticed that instead of two empty holes side by side, there was an empty right hole on shelf one and an empty left hole on shelf two. Why could this be? Perhaps I just put them away wrong? Nope, no such luck. See, I have two pairs of the exact same shoe (one pair in black and one pair in brown), and Dougie, in his sweetness to help me get ready, pulled one of each. I, nor anyone else, noticed the entire day. In defense, however, in the dark they do look the same.

Is there any hope for me?

Blogging Experiment, Day 2

So... Is it possible this early to get writer's block?


I have a regimen each morning that involves checking up on the blogs I follow, laughing at several pages at the Cheeseburger Network, and finally updating my Mafia.Wars. I've found several gems I'd like to share with you...

Just because my ex-husband is scared of sharks.
"Who" hasn't had a day like this?
... and I thought I lived out there.
I just love the expressions on this one. I'm not sure why I've got the owl thing going. I will, however, have to find the Transformer Owl for you to see!

I'm pretty sure everyone can appreciate this with the heat wave going on right now. I think they've given out free water at the plant this summer than in any other year I've worked there.

In the mean time, I'm still counting down the days until I get my babies back (ribs). We've cleaned their rooms and their bathroom, and now it's just a matter of time.

Oh, Deer!

Through the window of the kitchen this morning, we saw this deer munching away at green leafy somethings growing in the rocks behind the wood pile."What's so special about a deer?" you might ask. Well, Audie's comment on the matter was, "I wish we could shoot it so we could eat it for dinner." I think he liked the bacon-wrapped tenderloin medallions we made out of the last one. The things kids say these days!

Email Humour

It occurred to me that it's been a while since I've posted any whitticisms. Bad, bad Mommy!

Enjoy!

Fascinating biology facts
(don't ask me how they found some of this out)

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.
It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lbs).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Men who read this are still busy checking their thumbs.

Cup of Tea (no, this is not me)

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know…)

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?

Survey Says...

One of the blogs I follow is called Margarita Monologues. I boldly decided to participate in the interview chain, and her questions were:

1. Where is your favorite vacation spot?
- I don't think I've ever actually been on vacation. Tim and I went to Virginia Beach a couple years ago for New Years. We danced in a club until the wee hours of the morning and played mini golf a few times (my first time ever and whooped him so bad, hehe).

2. What famous person would you most like to meet?
- Absolutely Duff from Ace of Cakes. He's kooky and nutty when it comes to his cakes, but I love the show!

3. What is your favorite cake to bake and/or eat?
- Hands down would be the white chocolate strawberry cordial. I made it for my wedding cake. Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE chocolate, but for some reason, yellow cake with white chocolate and fresh strawberries takes my cake.

4. Where do you hope to be in 10 years?
- I'm not sure if it will be in 10 years, but I'd love to have my own "little cake place".

5. What is the most exciting/meaningful present you have ever received and/or given?
- My husband proposed in a treasure hunt across our house that ended up with a dozen roses and a bunch of wood letters while one of our dear friends followed me around the house with a video camera as I deciphered clues. Once the remaining letters were added and the question unscrambled, it asked "Do you love me?" ( a pet thing or inside joke of ours like do you trust me (to do something unique)). After I said "yes" the question was mounted on a frame and now hangs on one wall of our new house soon to be surrounded with pictures of our family, a picture of the Washington D.C. Temple, and pictures of our wedding.

If you would like to play along here are the directions:
1. Leave me a comment & your e-mail address saying, "Interview me." If you dare.
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. (I get to pick the questions).
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions. The first five 'askers' get the interview!

Angels Explained By Children

Aren't kids cute?

I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold.
- Gregory, 5

Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it
- Olive, 9

It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to Heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.
- Matthew, 9

Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.
- Mitchell, 7

My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science.
- Henry, 8

Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!!
- Jack, 6

Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.
- Daniel, 9

When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado.
- Reagan, 10

Angels have a lot to do and they keep busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter.
- Sara, 6

Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.
- Jared, 8

All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it.
- Antonio, 9

My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.
- Nicole, 9

Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.
- Vicki, 8

What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.
- Sarah, 7

Preach My Gospel

I thought this cake was so cool, I had to post it on both blogs...

For those familiar with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, you'll probably recognize this next image...I volunteered to make this cake for the Missionary Zone Luncheon on 2/5/09 where all of the missionaries from the tri-state area get together for lunch. The image is from the cover of the missionary handbook Preach My Gospel and depicts the Savior just before his baptism with John the Baptist.
Up until the night I decorated the cake I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I had an impression that it should be "Preach My Gospel" related, but I didn't know exactly what. I ended up painting the image onto rolled fondant with brown food coloring and a paint brush. The cake itself was a butter yellow recipe and it was iced with plain white butter cream.

I had to drop the cake off at Carolyn's house for transport to the luncheon. Believe me, I was disappointed that I couldn't be there (I have a day job *groan*), but Carolyn tells me that the missionaries loved their cake... they wouldn't let anyone cut it until they took pictures.

I thought this was an awesome opportunity to do something for the church (besides playing piano). It was a lot of fun, and I got to try out some new ideas for decorating. If nothing else, this is a tasty way of spreading the news!

More stuff from the email archives

Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

Proper BBQ Grill Maintenance

No, this is not my grill... this email was sent to me by one of my co-workers. I don't know who's grill it is, but yikes! What follows is the original text and pictures with no changes or corrections. Enjoy!

So I am using my bbq this weekend... so i thought ill clean it up. I have known there were bee's coming from under the cover so i thought i'd kill them, obviously...so heres the bbq in question

now i know these bombs aren't for bee's and that but i thought i'll suffocate/smoke them out. So here is the weapon of choice and delivery system.

I thought I was pretty smart hehehe designed to be easierly manovered under the cover of darkness...

so then i release the weapon of buzz destruction..OMFG! the sound from under the cover was incredible!!! You could hear it 3m away easy...Then I ran like the clappers....coming back few mins later to see the death toll...

was at least 20mm deep mass grave

I continued to remove the cover and to light the bbq to give it a clean when i noticed some fattly looking substance on the top of th side shelf thing....Bit weird.. i clean it before i put it away for winter and no way was there fat there so i begun to wonder...

...NO..... it can't be could it?I slowly removed the rest of the cover only to find the HQ.

MORE PICS!

AND ON ANOTHER NOTE we think the queen flew away.... either that or a small child has wings and has been living in the hive coz that thing was huge!

More stuff from the email archives

The Broom Family
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.

'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

Sounds to me like she's been sweeping around!!! (I love a clean joke!!!)

WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2 Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

The YaYa Sisters

More stuff from the email archives

COLD WINTER BLONDE STORY
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde pulls up along side. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, believe me you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next stop light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly jumps out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde following him. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in Indiana, and I'm driving a SALT TRUCK!"


The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down; finally , the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules"From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -to give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.

'Circumcised'
(this is priceless!)

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.

'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

More stuff people send me at work...

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too
can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.'

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished and before leaving the house this morning. I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now!

Skippy

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!" The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Skippy, get away from her, before she craps on you!"

7 reasons not to mess with children.

1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.' Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?' Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.' The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.' 'Yes,' the class said. 'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?' A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.' Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

Texas Chili Cook-Off

Long but HILARIOUS!!!!!!!

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there’s no hope for you. I was crying by the end.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL . Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN ‘S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting drunk from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT .. just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

More stuff people send me at work...

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house," and he said "no." Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them anymore because I just shot them." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT. Don't mess with old people.

None of that Sissy Crap
Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.
1. When you are sad -- I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
4. When you're scared -- We will high tail it out of here.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!!
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I'll pick you up and dust you off-- After I laugh my butt off!!
9. This is my oath... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask -- Because you are my FRIEND!

If you seem to be trying so hard and still the day is not going well........
Try this out: Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.Now the fun part begins.Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: 'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. ' Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &Johnson.' HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS!

Oh, Canada!

This email courtesy of my friend Henry from Canada...

A Little Canadian Humor
Forget Rednecks
Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Canucks.

• If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, You may live in Canada .
• If someone in a Home Depot store Offers you assistance and they don't work there, You may live in Canada .
• If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, You may live in Canada .
• If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, You may live in Canada .
• If 'Vacation' means going anywhere South of Detroit for the weekend, You may live in Canada .
• If you measure distance in hours, You may live in Canada .
• If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, You may live in Canada .
• If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, You may live in Canada .
• If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, You may live in Canada .
• If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, You may live in Canada .
• If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, You may live in Canada .
• If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, You may live in Canada .
• If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km -- you're going 90 and everybody is passing you, You may live in Canada .
• If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, You may live in Canada .
• If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, And road construction, You may live in Canada .
• If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, You may live in Canada .
• If you find 2 degrees 'a little chilly', You may live in Canada .

If you actually understand these jokes, You definitely live in Canada

Getting the printer to work...

I just saw the funniest thing on four furry legs. No this is not my cat; I don't know who's it is.

P.S. you need flash player to see this.

http://www.thefunnystuff.net/viewmovie.php?id=1063

More email fun

I'm still going through my funny folder and finding stuff that I'd almost forgotten about.


Take this for example... (no these are not my kids)


So there I was . . . just relaxing in front of the T.V. when the kids yelled, "Hey Mom, come see the kittens."

Or this little jem...

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced. They're all lined up, and God asks t he first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too" Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."

NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE. BE HAPPY

Blessed are the Cracked,

For they are the Ones

Who let in the Light!

And who can forget this?...

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

*I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.*

*I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.*

*I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces. *

*I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)*

*Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.*

*I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!*

*I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.*

*Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.*

*I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.*

*I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.*

* I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. *

*I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. *

*I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.*

*Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.*

*Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.*

*I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas..*

*I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.*

*I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.*

*And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.*

*I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.*

*I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.*

*I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.*

*I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.*

*I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda & Singapore and Uzbekistan.*

*I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.*

*Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.*

*And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.*

*I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies! *

*If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...*

*Have a wonderful day... * *Oh, by the way.....** * *A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.* *Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.*

And now for something a little more serious...

THE U IN JESUS

Before U were thought of or time had begun,
God stuck U in the name of His Son.
And each time U pray, you'll see it's true,
You can't spell out JesUs and not include U.
You're a pretty big part of His wonderful name,
For U, He was born; that's why He came.
And His great love for U is the reason He died.
It even takes U to spell crUcified.
Isn't it thrilling and splendidly grand
He rose from the dead, with U in His plan?
The stones split away, the gold trUmpet blew,
and this word resUrrection is spelled with a U.
When JesUs left earth at His upward ascension,
He felt there was one thing He just had to mention.
"Go into the world and tell them it's true
That I love them all - Just like I love U."
So many great people are spelled with a U,
Don't they have a right to know JesUs too?
It all depends now on what U will do,
He'd like them to know, But it all starts with U.

More stuff people send me at work...

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN :
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don' t need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Thoughts for the week!!

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

But Most Of All, Remember .... A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra: Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!

Ponderisms

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?